Last Night's Dream.

Now, normally my dreams don't bother me.  I have pretty average dreams, like a jumble of the events and thoughts from that day.  Like, I bought face wash once and I had a dream about it.  That sort of thing.  But last night's dream was a bit different, because it sort of means something to me.  And not in the way that I had to use a dream dictionary and pull out some ridiculous Freudian interpretation.  I woke up and thought it was a nightmare, for reasons that I will detail later.  But the more I thought about it, I realised I was actually the bad guy in my dream, and I realised the effect that my real life actions may be having on other people, even if my subconscious presented it to me in an exaggerated fashion.

I realise I may be completely wrong about this interpretation, but it doesn't hurt if I change my ways for the better because of it.

Now, there's quite a few aspects to this dream, but from what I remember, there were 3 main parts.  They mostly revolve around me, my boyfriend, and a select few friends.

The first part I remember is that I was in a lounge room, on a couch with some friends.  We had guns, and we were shooting people rather nonchalantly.  We saw them as the bad guys attacking us, so we had no problem with these bodies piling up around us.  Then the boyfriend comes towards us.  He's not angry or anything, but I shoot at him anyway.  He still doesn't get angry, and I keep shooting until I rum out of bullets.  By now, he has a massive hole in his chest.  Right in the middle.  A big, gaping hole right through him where his heart should be.  It doesn't bleed, and he's still not angry at me.  My friends chuck a few insults his way, and he comes a bit closer.  Of course, we're terrified.   I thought he was going to hurt me, that he wanted revenge because I put a hole in him, or maybe I just made it bigger?

But he didn't get revenge on me.  He took me by the hand, and we went to the movies.  Some different friends were there, and they told us they were seeing a different movie, but they were in the same cinema, sitting next to us.  Some women sat behind us, and my friends were talking to them about the movie they were going to watch.  They mentioned the name of it: "Differentiate".  It's a ridiculous name for a movie, but that's what it was.  So my friends are chatting away, the boyfriend is sitting there happily and quietly, still with a hole in his chest, while I'm crapping myself, thinking he's going to kill me any second.

I don't remember exactly what happened next, but the dream changes settings.  I'm with the BF on a grassy hill.  There's heaps of people around, like there's a concert or something going to happen.  We're sitting there, and he's just talking casually with me.  I ask him if he's angry at me, and he couldn't understand why he would be.  I'm still terrified.

It changes again, and it's night time now.  I'm in a car with people, I don't know who, and I don't recognise the car at all, but in the dream it seemed normal to me.  We were going to a water tower, or some sort of man-made structure.  I think it was near a farm or something, but we were trespassing on someone's property, just to carve a message onto this wooden tower thing.  I don't remember the message or anything, but it had something to do with graduation.

The rest of the dream is fuzzy, but I went to different places, carving a message into things.  The whole time I was worrying about the BF, and what he was going to do.

When I woke up, I was still terrified.  Not of my boyfriend, but the fact that my subconscious could generate feelings of terror at his image.  I don't want to be scared of him. It's the opposite, I want to be with him as much as possible.  So why was I dreaming about this?

I originally took it at face value, that I dreamed about shooting people, and them having ridiculous injuries.  I googled "hole in my chest dream interpretation" and nothing came up. I kept thinking about it.  Normally I don't bother thinking about something apparently meaningless, but the emotions I felt that lingered after I woke up were really disturbing me.  So I thought about it.


Now, you may need a bit of backstory for this part, but it's kind of personal, so I won't go into depth.  Anyway, my boyfriend isn't the most emotional person.  There's a reason for that, but it creeps people out so you don't need to know.  But he's not as deeply affected by emotions as other people.  His mother died almost exactly a year ago, and from what I saw, there wasn't much of a grieving process.  He told me he didn't even cry at her funeral.  But I'm thinking (I haven't spoken to him about this, just my thoughts) that the emotions are there, but they're just internalized.  So it's not that he doesn't have them, he just doesn't show it.  And that's what the hole in the chest is about.  He has all these emotions eating him away on the inside, and my disregard for his feelings (the bullets from my dreams) is tearing him open until it's all laid bare.  The friend who was helping me shoot him in my dream is also known in my circle of friends as the loud/brutally honest/uncivilized one who speaks her mind.  Especially in relation to my boyfriend.  They tease each other and stuff, but sometimes the things she (and all my friends) says to me about him gets to me.  It goes beyond joking around, and gets quite hurtful, and even if he doesn't know it, and he wouldn't care, it still hurts me.

Anyway, I found it interesting that she was the one there helping me hurt him. 

Hmmm, what else.  I think the movie part was just provoked by the fact that we went to the movies together a few days ago, and that I made him choose, so that I knew we were watching what HE wanted to see (I didn't tell him that I'd already seen it until after we got out).

But it's just little things like that that trip me up.  I forget that even if he doesn't have the same sorts of emotions, he still has likes and dislikes and wants and needs, and I feel absolutely terrible that I've never really thought of him in that way. I haven't done anything bad to him, that I know of.  I haven't hurt his feelings as far as I know, I just haven't really taken them into account.  Just because he hides them, doesn't mean they don't exist.  I feel so bad.  And I think the fear from my dream is not because I think he's going to seek revenge or anything, it's that I'm afraid of what will happen to me when we break up.  I know he won't intentionally hurt me physically, I'm just worried that the pain is going to cause a metaphorical hole in my chest to match his.  He may not intentionally get revenge with malicious intent, it might just happen along the way.