Update!

So, it's been nearly two months since I've updated.  And even that update was pretty crappy. I can't remember that far back (who am I kidding, I can't even remember what I had for breakfast), so I'll just go through this entire year thus far.

Earlier this year, I was lamenting my joblessness after I quit at the toy store due to lack of hours.  I got a job at a truck stop as a waitress.  For American readers, this place was a bit classier than you probably imagine (but not classy enough to be called an actual restaurant).  I started back at uni around this time.  The job didn't really work well with my uni timetable, and my parents didn't appreciate the fact that I stayed back a few hours every night.  After having one too many coffees thrown at me, I quit.  I had only been there about 2 months, if that.

I had another stint of joblessness, but I used this time to try and focus on uni.  It was nice, but I was running out of money pretty fast.  I applied at a few places, got a few interviews, and finally got a job at a grocery store, as an online shopper.  Basically, my department gets the orders, and my coworkers and I go around and collect the order items off the shelves.  I've been there for about a month and a half I think now.  Still haven't got my discount card, but when I do, it will probably be one of the greatest days of my life.

I also finished the first semester of my 2nd year at uni today!  For the other semesters I finished, I was always so relieved it was over.  This semester went really quickly though, and I'm not sure if it was my improved time planning, or just a better course structure.  Whatever it was, I was significantly less stressed out this semester, despite a few disasters involving group assignments and stupid people. 

So now, I'm at home, lost and unsure of what to occupy my time with.  Currently, I'm experimenting with alcohol.  Green apple UDLs and Agrum taste surprisingly good together.    Probably won't taste so good tomorrow if I'm throwing it up.

Oh well.  It's not like I have anything I need to do tomorrow either.

It's been a while,,,

I think it's been like a month or so since I've last updated.  I'm not sure what made me think to come back, but there's been a lot of stuff I haven't said anything about on here.  Here's what's new.

    Last time I posted, I'm pretty sure I was still looking for a job.  Well, I got a job as a waitress at a truckstop, worked enough in the last month to earn myself $1000, and now I'm quitting.  I know I made such a huge drama about not having a job before, but honestly, I'd rather go back to that than keep working at this place.  It pays $10 an hour (as opposed to my last job paying between $15 and $21 depending on the day), I'm required to do a lot more hours, and during those hours I've been working a crapload more than I think I should considering the pay.  It also helps that they weren't too flexible about me working and going to uni.  So I've quit and my last shift is on Tuesday.

    I'm back at uni for my second year, and holy crap it's getting hard.  For example, my Tuesdays and Thursdays for the last month have consisted of being at uni from 9 to 6, the work from 6:30 to midnight.  Then back at uni the next day.  As a result of my tiredness, and the recent terrible weather conditions, I kind of ruined my bike.  The cars in my area kind of speed around corners, so when there was a speeding car approaching, he swerved his car, I swerved my bike.  I hit a gutter, destroyed the chain, tore off the basket at the back and twisted the handle bar to a 90 degree angle.  As for the damage to me, I got a face full of mud and slime (brilliant idea to break my fall with my face) and my clothes had to be thrown out.  Since then, I've had to walk to uni, which is 5 km a day (or about 3 miles for the Americans).  It's good exercise, but it just makes me so freaking tired that I don't want to go to classes.


When I do turn up to my classes, at least they're somewhat enjoyable.  Statistics (the teacher makes it interesting), Brain and behaviour, health psychology, and learning and behaviour.   It's going to be tough thins semester though.  They actually have fairly high expectations this year.  I may actually have to put some effort in.  Good thing I'm unemployed again.

What else?  Everything else is pretty much the same, I think.  I might try to keep up with posting a bit more, and actually have a topic to talk about.

There's something living in my roof.

Before I start, I'd just like to explain my absence from blogging as much as I used to.  For some reason, my computer hates the Blogger website.  It just DOES NOT WORK.  And just as I type this, I notice my stats page is working again, for the first time in 3 months.  Weird.  It's like it knows I'm trying to complain about it, so it makes me look like an idiot.  I'm also pretty sure I said I was going to change my layout.  I tried, but it wouldn't let me.  I'll try again today.

Here's an update on my life:

1.  I no longer have a job.  Really, I'm still employed there, but I haven't been given any hours since Boxing Day.  I'm down to about $300 in my bank account, and I'm trying to keep that for phone bills only.  If I don't get another job in the next 3 months, I'm fucked beyond belief.  I've resorted to scavenging coins from my drawers/closet etc.  I took everything I found to the bank, and dumped it in their coin counting machine.  I had $40 worth of silver coins (silver coins are below a dollar in value, so I had a shitload of coins).  I've been applying for jobs, and the one I'm hoping to get had it's applications close yesterday.  So hopefully, I hear something next week.

While searching for a job, I've been considering "alternative" careers, such as a Hungry Jacks (The Australian Burger King) Bandit, Wet T-Shirt Competition Queen, and selling out-of-date Ritalin tablets to addicts.  All of these could net me at least $1000 within a month, but there's the whole illegal and/or "come back and bite me in the ass" factors to juggle.  So, I'm going to stick with the normal job application process, and suffer out being broke for a while.

It may be bad for my mental health though, because the pressure to find a job is unbelievable.  The Cleaning Nazi has been pushing me about having money to pay the phone bill, and getting a job so I'm not so fat and lazy at home.  My friends have organized this big trip, and I agreed to be in on it about a day before I had been officially told I was no longer going to get shifts.  So, if they can't find anyone else to take my ticket, I'm going to be selling it on eBay, along with most of my other possessions.  I have a list of stuff I'm going to sell if I'm desperate.  And no, my body is not on there.  I also have some debts to collect.  About $75 from the Cleaning Nazi, because of those "If I buy it can you pay me back" deals I'm always making.  And roughly $30 from the BF, but since he only gets paid once in a blue moon due to being new at his job, I doubt I'll see it any time soon.

Unfortunately, when I'm under pressure about certain things, I stress about it.  Then I become obsessed.  Then I cry in the shower.  Then I have a public meltdown.  Then, the next step is psychotic break, I presume.  Just a warning, if I lose touch with reality, it's just because of money.  I'm only temporarily crazy.

2.  I can't remember if I've blogged about this before, but I've been having phone trouble.  It was turning off, deleting my stuff, not reading my memory card etc etc.  Basically being a piece of shit.  I've been trying to get the plan cancelled, but Telstra keeps saying they need to SEE the problem before they can cancel it.  Now that they've SEEN the problem, they have to email everyone under the sun before they can cancel it.  Now that they've run out of people to email, they've decided they're just going to string me along for 6 months until my contract runs out.  I suppose it's OK, because even if I did cancel the plan, I couldn't sign up for a new one due to my financial circumstances.  I really do want a new phone though, but I just can't do it right now.

3.  I still have a month of nothingness until uni starts.  I've been obsessively checking the bookshop website to see when textbook lists were updated.  They weren't, so I just went in there anyway, and got the parental units to buy my books for me.  Now I've done the first week's worth of study for all my subjects, and I don't want to be too far ahead, so I've stopped.  This semester, I'm doing Statistics, Brain and Behaviour, Learning and Behaviour, and Health Psychology.  I'm excited, but I think it's only because it means I have something to do with my life.

4.  Since I'm about a month ahead on uni, I've been doing my usual "I'm going crazy with boredom" routine I do every year.  It's strange.  It starts with Christmas, where I'm stressed out beyond belief due to work.  Then it's New Years Eve, where a lot of alcohol is consumed.  Then nothing.  Everyone's broke, and no one wants to do anything due to a lack of money.  Then I do all my uni work early.  Then when I finish, I start playing Pokemon games on my Gameboy Advance (it's about 10 years old now).  I want to buy a DS so I can play the new Pokemon games, but considering my lack of money, spending $300 on a DS is taking the Pokemon thing A LITTLE BIT TOO FAR.  So I'll be content with my GBA and Pokemon Crystal.  Then, when the Pokemon thing get's old, I start watching TV shows, several seasons within about 2 weeks.

One year, it was Seinfeld.  Another year it was Supernatural.  Another year it was My So-Called Life (90s teen drama).  This year, it's Community.  And luckily for me, I started watching at the right time.  I watched the first season, and half of the second season.  Right as I finished that, I found out the show was on an 8 week holiday break, and it started back on the 20th of January.  So, I didn't have to tolerate the 8 weeks of nothingness like other Community fans had to.  But now that I've caught up, I have to wait a week for every new episode like the rest of the world does.  And that sucks.  I saw a group on facebook that fits my situation.  I can't find the exact title, but it's something like "Finishing an entire TV series, then wondering what to do with your life".

Then, while the Pokemon/TV thing is happening, a friend of mine announces suddenly that they're moving away, and not coming back any time soon.  Then we all frantically arrange to do something, and it all falls through until there's some last minute plan that saves the day.  My friend Alice has decided to move to Brisbane for uni, and she leaves on Monday.  Today is Saturday, and we haven't got a solid plan yet.  Right now, it's looking like a dinner and movies night tonight at another friend's house.  I hope this happens, because it means I have something to do with my life for a small period of time, even if it's to celebrate one of my best friends leaving.

5.  I need to go to a doctor.  This might get a bit too TMI if I go into detail, but it's digestion related.  And it fucking hurts.  I've booked into a doctor, and hopefully there's something that can be done about it.

6.  There's something living in the roof.  It's a rat or a possum or something.  Or, as I like to think, my evil twin begging to be let out.  But  after my restless sleep due to being sick, I woke up this morning very tired, and very pissed off.  There was this weird scratching noise.  I checked if it was my blinds grating against the wall. Nope.  The dog scratching at his bed outside my window? Nope.  I even went into the next room to see if the Cleaning Nazi was doing something to the other side of the wall.  Not that either.  I went back to my room, and concentrated.  It was definitely coming from the corner of my room, where the wall meets the roof.  I decided it was time to get a second opinion.  I went into Dad's room, and he was fast asleep.  The Cleaning Nazi saw me walking around, and asked what was wrong.  We both went into my room, and sat on the bed.  When we turned the ceiling fan off, the noise stopped for a minute, and I began to fear it was the onset of a psychotic break where I was hallucinating.  But no, it started again, and it was definitely coming from the roof.     We opened the manhole thing that leads to the roof. and checked it out with a torch.  Nothing was sighted, but all our ducted aircon and insulation has been chewed on.  Then I realised how horrific it would be if there was a rat in the aircon.  It would mean that if it chewed through the pipes, it could drop into any room of the house without warning.  So I refused to go back to bed in case a rat fell on me.  I tried to watch a movie with my sister, but I felt too shitty, and just went back to bed.  I haven't heard any scratching again, but I heard a screeching noise earlier.  It may have been something else though, so I don't know.  I just know that I don't want it anywhere near me.


Well, that's about everything that's been happening in my life right now.  I'll try and keep you updated on my visit to the doctors, as well as this thing in the roof that's terrorizing me.  Also, I finally updated the layout.  I hope it's not too hard to read.

Last Night's Dream.

Now, normally my dreams don't bother me.  I have pretty average dreams, like a jumble of the events and thoughts from that day.  Like, I bought face wash once and I had a dream about it.  That sort of thing.  But last night's dream was a bit different, because it sort of means something to me.  And not in the way that I had to use a dream dictionary and pull out some ridiculous Freudian interpretation.  I woke up and thought it was a nightmare, for reasons that I will detail later.  But the more I thought about it, I realised I was actually the bad guy in my dream, and I realised the effect that my real life actions may be having on other people, even if my subconscious presented it to me in an exaggerated fashion.

I realise I may be completely wrong about this interpretation, but it doesn't hurt if I change my ways for the better because of it.

Now, there's quite a few aspects to this dream, but from what I remember, there were 3 main parts.  They mostly revolve around me, my boyfriend, and a select few friends.

The first part I remember is that I was in a lounge room, on a couch with some friends.  We had guns, and we were shooting people rather nonchalantly.  We saw them as the bad guys attacking us, so we had no problem with these bodies piling up around us.  Then the boyfriend comes towards us.  He's not angry or anything, but I shoot at him anyway.  He still doesn't get angry, and I keep shooting until I rum out of bullets.  By now, he has a massive hole in his chest.  Right in the middle.  A big, gaping hole right through him where his heart should be.  It doesn't bleed, and he's still not angry at me.  My friends chuck a few insults his way, and he comes a bit closer.  Of course, we're terrified.   I thought he was going to hurt me, that he wanted revenge because I put a hole in him, or maybe I just made it bigger?

But he didn't get revenge on me.  He took me by the hand, and we went to the movies.  Some different friends were there, and they told us they were seeing a different movie, but they were in the same cinema, sitting next to us.  Some women sat behind us, and my friends were talking to them about the movie they were going to watch.  They mentioned the name of it: "Differentiate".  It's a ridiculous name for a movie, but that's what it was.  So my friends are chatting away, the boyfriend is sitting there happily and quietly, still with a hole in his chest, while I'm crapping myself, thinking he's going to kill me any second.

I don't remember exactly what happened next, but the dream changes settings.  I'm with the BF on a grassy hill.  There's heaps of people around, like there's a concert or something going to happen.  We're sitting there, and he's just talking casually with me.  I ask him if he's angry at me, and he couldn't understand why he would be.  I'm still terrified.

It changes again, and it's night time now.  I'm in a car with people, I don't know who, and I don't recognise the car at all, but in the dream it seemed normal to me.  We were going to a water tower, or some sort of man-made structure.  I think it was near a farm or something, but we were trespassing on someone's property, just to carve a message onto this wooden tower thing.  I don't remember the message or anything, but it had something to do with graduation.

The rest of the dream is fuzzy, but I went to different places, carving a message into things.  The whole time I was worrying about the BF, and what he was going to do.

When I woke up, I was still terrified.  Not of my boyfriend, but the fact that my subconscious could generate feelings of terror at his image.  I don't want to be scared of him. It's the opposite, I want to be with him as much as possible.  So why was I dreaming about this?

I originally took it at face value, that I dreamed about shooting people, and them having ridiculous injuries.  I googled "hole in my chest dream interpretation" and nothing came up. I kept thinking about it.  Normally I don't bother thinking about something apparently meaningless, but the emotions I felt that lingered after I woke up were really disturbing me.  So I thought about it.


Now, you may need a bit of backstory for this part, but it's kind of personal, so I won't go into depth.  Anyway, my boyfriend isn't the most emotional person.  There's a reason for that, but it creeps people out so you don't need to know.  But he's not as deeply affected by emotions as other people.  His mother died almost exactly a year ago, and from what I saw, there wasn't much of a grieving process.  He told me he didn't even cry at her funeral.  But I'm thinking (I haven't spoken to him about this, just my thoughts) that the emotions are there, but they're just internalized.  So it's not that he doesn't have them, he just doesn't show it.  And that's what the hole in the chest is about.  He has all these emotions eating him away on the inside, and my disregard for his feelings (the bullets from my dreams) is tearing him open until it's all laid bare.  The friend who was helping me shoot him in my dream is also known in my circle of friends as the loud/brutally honest/uncivilized one who speaks her mind.  Especially in relation to my boyfriend.  They tease each other and stuff, but sometimes the things she (and all my friends) says to me about him gets to me.  It goes beyond joking around, and gets quite hurtful, and even if he doesn't know it, and he wouldn't care, it still hurts me.

Anyway, I found it interesting that she was the one there helping me hurt him. 

Hmmm, what else.  I think the movie part was just provoked by the fact that we went to the movies together a few days ago, and that I made him choose, so that I knew we were watching what HE wanted to see (I didn't tell him that I'd already seen it until after we got out).

But it's just little things like that that trip me up.  I forget that even if he doesn't have the same sorts of emotions, he still has likes and dislikes and wants and needs, and I feel absolutely terrible that I've never really thought of him in that way. I haven't done anything bad to him, that I know of.  I haven't hurt his feelings as far as I know, I just haven't really taken them into account.  Just because he hides them, doesn't mean they don't exist.  I feel so bad.  And I think the fear from my dream is not because I think he's going to seek revenge or anything, it's that I'm afraid of what will happen to me when we break up.  I know he won't intentionally hurt me physically, I'm just worried that the pain is going to cause a metaphorical hole in my chest to match his.  He may not intentionally get revenge with malicious intent, it might just happen along the way.

8th of November: Things I'm going to do when uni is finished.

Good news everyone!  I got my psychology lab report back today, about 20 minutes before I walked into today's exam.  It was about the Stroop Effect, where you have to read words, colours, then the colour of words.  It was pretty boring.  I got 92% though, and combined with my 77% on the last quiz, I didn't even need to turn up to the exam and I would still pass.  That meant that I went into the exam feeling pretty good.

Anyway, the list of things I'm going to do when uni is finished.
1.  Work, and save up for a car.

2.  Work on getting my driving hours up.  Even if I forge my remaining 40 hours, I still can't drive a manual.  I   need to fix that.

3.  Go shopping with the friends, and actually have fun, and not feel guilty about wasting study-time.

4.  Join a gym of some sort.  I know I have all these walking tracks (with lovely named areas such as the "Rape Tunnel") that mean I should be walking my ass off, literally, but I'd rather not walk, then get tired, then find myself several kilometres from home.  If I get on a treadmill or exercise bike, I don't actually travel any distance at all, and I stay in a safe environment.

5.  Spend time with the BF.  Like, real time.  Even though I've spent a bit of time with him lately, it doesn't feel like we're as close now, because we never get time to be together in privacy.  I don't even mean that in a sexual way.  We don't have the privacy to sit and talk without being interrupted by someone.  After uni finishes, I won't really have time constraints, and the issues on his end will be close to resolved, so we won't have all this unnecessary stress.

6.  Go into town and actually get drunk.  I don't remember the last time I was properly drunk.  I know people act all disapproving about people drinking, but clearly these people have never been drunk.  I didn't think it was particularly appealing, until I tried it.  I didn't realise until then how many social restrictions I placed upon myself.  I'm not saying I go out and drink until I pass out.  I've never done that.  And if you don't remember the next morning, you've obviously had too much.  But yeah, getting drunk made me realise that I didn't need to be all uptight.  I could have fun, and talk to strangers, and make friends with people I wouldn't normally look twice at.  It's about life experiences.  How can you say you know yourself until you've experienced yourself in every state of mind available to you?  After I began drinking (note:  I am now legally an adult who can legally consume and purchase alcohol), I learned a lot about myself.  I knew when enough was enough, I knew how much I could handle before I started doing potentially regrettable things,  and I knew that I still had the ability to say no to anything and anyone.  Now, if people want to still go on about how silly drinking is, maybe they should try it first (with an open mind and a positive attitude, of course).

7.  Continue on with NaNoWriMo, until the end of November.  Hopefully, I won't just go completely lazy and sleep all day and ignore my personal goals.

8.  Read some more of my psychology text book.  It's not just a temporary thing, where I learn it for exams and forget it instantly.  It's full of the knowledge I want and need if I have chosen psychology as my profession.  Everything in it is beneficial to me, and I find it very interesting when I don't have anything in particular pressing on me.  The minute I have to read it for study, I want to burn it.

9.  Chip away at my "Sci-Fi Movies to Watch" list.

10.  Try and meet some new people.  I'm running out of friends.

11.  Try and patch up some old friendships that have been dwindling because of uni.

12.  Get the Sims 3 off the bf, and keep playing it.  I"ll also start playing Spore again.

13.  Play my poor little PS3 again.  It's practically brand new, and I've barely played it.  I need to finish FF13, and properly START to play MGS4.

14.  Do my Christmas shopping.

15.  Do something with my hair.  Keep it maintained instead of letting it go wild.

16.  Buy some nice pairs of shoes.

Well.  It's nearly midnight and I have an exam tomorrow.  I'll continue this another day.

Current word count = 15, 264

6th of November: Catching up.

So, I kind of missed the 6th of November. 

I had to work, and it was so stressful that I've blocked the entire day out.  I'm beginning to hate Christmas.  A lot.  People seriously walk in, and don't look for their own stuff, they just grab a catalogue and point and grunt at us.  They might as well just make a list and let us shop for them.  It would be a whole lot more efficient than them pointing at stuff, and we have to run all over the store because they're idiots who can't use their own eyes.  But this is more relevant to today, because I was on the floor (walking around helping people find stuff).  Yesterday, I was on registers, and my god, it was the worst day ever.

We have this deal where if you spend over $100, you get a $10 gift card.  This doesn't seem too stressful, but you have to write down all these details, and stamp the receipt.  There's a bunch of other promotional stuff going too.  I"ll give you an idea of what happened with most customers yesterday.

*Customer walks up and dumps their shit*
Me: Hi, how are you?
*awkward silence as I put through their items*
Me:  Since you bought over $40 of Dora stuff, you also get a free trolley bag.
*Customer grunts*
Me:  You also spent over $75, so would you like one of these plush polar bears for an extra $5?
*Customer grunts*
Me:  Would you like to go into the runnig to win a $1000 shopping spree?  Just fill out your details and I'll enter you on the register.
*Customer grunts*
Me:  *enters email address*
Me:  Ok, that's $405096849.  Since your total was over $100, you get a free $10 gift card.  
*Customer pays*
*I frantically write down transaction numbers and total costs, tick boxes, stamp and highlight receipts, and tell the customer how to use the EFTPOS machine because they're retarded*
Me:  Here's your receipt and gift card, if you go to the website that I highlighted down the bottom, you can fill out a survey about the store and get a $5 voucher. Have a nice day!
*Customer grunts, looks at their receipt, and goes straight to refund counter to grunt about being overcharged*

So yeah.  Registers suck when it's busy.  When it's not busy, it's boring as shit.

Floor is pretty much the same.  Boring for the majority of the time, but when it's busy, there's people everywhere coming at you.  Not cool.

When I woke up this morning, I had a massive headache, which was a continuation of the night before (no alcohol was involved).  I took some painkillers, then went to work.  I felt pretty good, until about 20 minutes in, when I had a really bitchy customer.  I was running around all over the store for her, and when I was helping her with easels, she dropped one on me.  On my head.  Bitch.

After that, I made an unbeliveable amount of dumb mistakes.  As I said on Facebook, I need to dye my hair blonde to match my actions today.  

Well, I'm finished work, finally.  Now I have to revise for my psychology exam tomorrow afternoon.

 Since I'm seriously far behind on my word count (not really, but I want to stay ahead)  I may as well revise by teaching my readers what I've learned in the last few weeks.  It's kind of interesting.  I've found that psychology is mostly giving names to things that you understand, but don't have a name for.

Currently, I'm on the week 6 lecture: Socical Psychology.

Soical psychology is the study of how the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of individuals are influenced by the actual, implied or imagined prescence of others.  According to Gordon Allport.

Fundamental Attribution Error is the general tendency to wrongly attribute people's behaviour to internal dispositons, while underestimating the effects of social and environmental errors.  An example of this is when someone bumps into youand knocks you over, and they hurry past without apologising.  The fundamental attribution error is when we assume this guy is a complete asshole who doesn't care about other people, etc.  We assume it's part of his internal disposition, or personality, when he could be rushing off to help an injured person, or stop someone from stealing, or he may have to be somewhere very urgently.  But ususally, people ignore the environmental factors, and assume he's an asshole.

Asch's Studies of Conformity:  The participant is in a room with other people (who are actors, pretending to be participants).  They get shown pictures with 3 lines on it, labelled A, B and C.  They are asked which one is shortest.  It is no question about which is the shortest, but the actors all say the wrong answer and seem very confident about it.  The participant gets confused, and may stare at the image, wondering whether he isn't seeing something.  Eventually, he agrees with the rest of the people by saying the obviously wrong answer.  It shows that people will go with majority influence, rather than their own perceptions.  What's interesting though, is that if one of the actors is told to be defiant and go against the group, then participant will almost always side with the defiant actor.

Milgram's Studies of Obediance:  This is a pretty famous one, used to justify the actions of soldiers in war, Nazis in particular.  A participant is placed in a room with an authoritative person, who says they are connected to Yale University or somewhere of similar prestige.  The participant is told that they are to ask another participant (who is an actor, located in a different room, but still able to be heard) questions.  If the other person answers incorrectly, the participant is to administer electric shocks, increasing in voltage as more incorrect answers are given.  Every time an electric shock is given (not really, but the participant thinks so) the actor screams, and pleads them to stop.  Guess what?  The participants didn’t stop, even when the shocks were supposedly lethal.  A few (maybe 1 in 100 or so) got upset and refused to continue, but not a single one tried to check on the person that they thought they were shocking.  This study is sometimes used to justify people’s actions in a war-scenario, where people are told to kill under orders of their superiors.  They don’t kill because they’re terrible people, but because of the authority figures standing over them, demanding they continue.

Bystander Intervention:  The more bystanders around witnessing an event, the less likely a person is to interfere. Everyone assumes “oh, someone else will take care of it”.  This can potentially be very dangerous.  I’ve seen videos on Youtube testing this out, where a child actor is told to scream and cry when another actor attempts to “kidnap” the child.  Most people didn’t do anything, especially women.  They looked uncomfortable, but looked the other way and hurried off.  A few men stopped to help the little girl out, and the situation was immediately explained to them by the experimenters.  The best response by far was the massive gang of black guys who went to beat the shit out of the acting kidnapper until the experimenters ran out trying to stop them from killing the poor actor. 

Now that I think about it, a lot of these things make sense.  Even if you read it and think “I wouldn’t do this.  I would never electrocute someone to death, and I would intervene if I saw a child being kidnapped”.  But the truth is, you probably have already been in this sort of situation, and you HAVEN’T helped.  I know that I’d like to be able to say that I wouldn’t do this, but I would, because I have.

 In school, or even in any social situation, if someone is being excluded from a group, you would rather stay in favour of the group’s leader (or in the experiment’s example, the authority figure) rather than try to help the  person being excluded (or given electric shocks).  This is natural, because humans are far more concerned with preserving their own well-being and social standing, rather than risk it for someone else.

In the bystander intervention example, I’ve recently been in this situation as a bystander.  I was in a little café thing at uni, just having lunch.  A special needs boy came in, with his carer.  The boy was walking along behind the carer, before he started acting strange.  He eventually collapsed, and started having a seizure in the middle of the café.  The carer was there, helping him.  The girl that worked there came out, and wasn’t sure what to do, she got the boy a glass of water, and just sort of hovered around anxiously.   I sat there thinking about bystander intervention statistics, and thinking about why I should or shouldn’t help.  I decided that if I did try to help, I would probably get in the way because I didn’t know the slightest thing about seizures, and I would just be in the way.  Even though I knew I was just conforming to previous studies, I didn’t help because I thought, as I’m sure many participants thought, that “someone else will take care of it”.  Anyway, the kid was fine within a few minutes, and he walked off with his carer to have lunch somewhere.

Well, that’s all of Week 6 for you.    I’ll spare you all the rest.

Word count =  12,796. 

My visit to a psychic.

Today started off pretty normal.  I got up, harassed Dan-Q about uni and shopping, then went to uni.  Some strange miscommunication meant that I was at uni, and she wasn't, though she was the one who convinced me to go to uni instead of going straight to the shops.  Dunno what happened there.

We caught up, and went to the food court, and ended up on the topic of blogging.  It somehow got to ghosthunting, ouija boards, and then psychics.  Luckily for us, the local shopping centre has this hippy, earthmother-ish shop called Nature's Wisdom.  It sells candles and dream catchers and fancy rocks that apparently smell like baby breath.  It is also kind of like the home base for our town's "best psychic", called Sarah.  I hear about her on the radio and stuff, so she's not some random lady that took our money and ran.

I decided to get a half hour reading for $50.  I was a bit concerned, since I'm sceptical about psychics and people who claim they can do things.  I want to believe, but I just don't.  I didn't want to go in there and have her tell me a bunch of general bullshit that could apply to anyone, because I was paying good money for it.

Let me tell you, it was WORTH EVERY CENT.

After she asked me how old I was, the first thing she said "Are you in or out of this relationship?"  I was a bit taken aback, not sure of what to say.  BTW, the bf is back in contact with me, and wants to be back together.  Weird, right?

Anyway, I told her I was in the relationship.  She then explained the set up of our next half an hour.  She starts off with a sort of general reading about my life at the moment.  Then I get to ask one, and only one, question.  I asked her how general my question can be, and I was told "ask a broad question, get a broad answer".  Fair enough.  Then she would go over the next year of my life.

The first part ended up as a discussion about my relationship with my bf.  She kept saying that we lived together, then kept correcting herself.  At one point she referred to him as my husband.  That's a bit weird, but I think its just her getting her words mixed up. 

She told me that one person was honest, and one wasn't telling the complete truth.  She said that one person was becoming bored, and that "they don't know what they want, but it isn't this".  She said that the main cause of conflict would be money and children (wtf, she never mentioned children again).  She said that one of us  was very careful with money, and a good saver, and the other has difficulty keeping a hold of it (hmm, I DID just pay $50 to see a crazy lady, clearly, someone has some money to waste).

She told me I was "surrounded by theft".  Not saying that it was me, but someone around me,  and that the law will catch up with them.  That's good.  Unless I suddenly become a thief, and I get caught. But that wont happen. 


She told me that other people were saying things about me, with the intention of hurting me (I know exactly who these people are).  I need to let these things go in one ear and out the other, and not take any of it on board.

Another weird thing she said was that I was living out my consequences for past actions.  Like, I'm at this point in my life because of consequences of past actions.  I have no idea what this is about, but I'll come back to it.

I don't remember what else she said in this part, so I'll continue on. 

I got to ask her one question.  I chose to ask "Will I stick with my current career choice?"  I got the strangest answer ever.  It was a purely career-centred question, and it goes completely off course.  She told me that I am in the exact time and place that I need to be in at this stage of my life.  For the moment, I am on course.  But then shit gets weird.  She tells me I have poisonous influences in my life, that are going to try their hardest to pull me back.  Then she asks me if I think I handle the pressure my parents put on me.  I didn't mention my parentsat all up to this point, then she starts talking about how harmful my father is with his words.  She says that they put these massive expectations on me, that I can never hope to achieve, simply because it makes them feel powerful to see me struggle.  And this will hold me back.  Eventually I'll give up trying to please them, because I know it will never happen.  She told me I will eventually grow enough to stand up for myself, and tell my parents that they have no say over my life, and that I am my own person.  Apparently it will take a lot of work, and it will hurt me.  I was told that I need to QUOTE: "ELIMINATE" these people from my life before they destroy me.

So yeah, my career question ends up being about my parents holding me back, and it seems to be a game of Survivor.

Then we go on to my future.  She gives me quite specific time frames.  In six months time, I'll take a massive step.  I will be terrified, but I'll do it and I'll find peace and happiness within myself.  Within 18 months, my conflict with the bf will be settled.  Interesting how I find peace and happiness in six months, while the relationship conflict continues.  She also says that I need to stop apologising for the consequences of my actions, and that I need to forgive myself and move on.  It would be nice if I fucking knew what I was forgiving myself for. 

She also said that I need to cut the bf from my life.  She said he's bad now, and he's only going to get worse, violence, cheating, etc.  I will apparently experience it all. 

4 more things jump to mind.

1.  She said that I chose my own learning experiences, before I was even brought into the world.  I have some sort of predetermined fate that I chose before I knew I was making a choice.

2.  I have unresolved trauma that I need to come to terms with.  I have no idea what this is about.

3.  The more trauma I experience, the more spiritual I will become.   Hmmm

4.  I have a female presence watching and guiding my emotions for me.  Now I'm paranoid about this presence  guiding me on my spiritual journey to the toilet.  I feel like some poor otherworldly being is wasting a lot of their time on me. 

Anyway, at some point I started crying.  Not because I regretted spending $50, or because I didn't know this.  Just because its such a strange feeling for some lady you've never met before to strip your life bare and tell you exactly how it is.  It kind of set in about how (if she's genuine) I'm going to have a pretty terrible 18 months, with violence, massive changes, and not living up to people's expectations.  All of these things scare the shit out of me.  I don't know how I'm supposed to do it, but I'll survive. 

I wonder if this is a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.  Since this chick says I'll take a massive step in six months, does that mean I'll be so freaked out by her prediction that I'll have a mental breakdown and move to Ethiopia?  I don't want to make changes just because she said this stuff.  I'll continue on with life as per usual, but when the conflict starts, I guess I'll have these potential solutions in the back of my mind.

I came out, still in tears.  I took a few minutes in the bathroom, washing my hands several times to calm down.  I texted Dani-Q, and she ran up to be all expectantly.  I don't know what she thought when I started crying again.  We sat down, and it took me a while, but I got it all out.  Then I promptly suggested she do it. 

Silly me.

I'll let her talk about what she was told, but there were some strange coincidences. 

So yeah.  I've had a rough day, and I have plenty to think about.  And even though I didn't believe in psychics earlier today, and now I'm still sceptical about most, this lady, real or not, she put on a fucking good act, and everything she said was true.  I dont know how she does it.  I'm definately coming back to her later on in life.

Before I finish, something interesting.  She used tarot cards, and for the last part, I made note of the ones she pulled out so I could find out about them later.  I don't remember them all, but a few stuck out to me.

Now, I'm pretty sure that in any context, the devil is a bad thing.  The meaning for it that I found is this:

Perhaps the most misunderstood card of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. ... this is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remind the Querent that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.


She also pulled out Temperance

I don't get this one's supposed meaning.  Something about balance and symmetry.

 I also got the sun, and the wheel of fortune, but I really can't be bothered finding pictures and meanings for them.

The last one I remember really confused me.  I couldn't work out what it was, because there were no words on it.  It was a person with two crossed swords.  I did some research, and apparently its "The Lord of Peace Restored".  Doesn't sound too bad.  Supposed to symbolize courage and restoration of peace in the mind.

So yeah.  I didn't believe in psychics, and now I believe in at least one. What a strange day. 

Empty Fridge Space.

Empty fridge space would be nice right now.  I don't know about you, but seeing a packed fridge makes me anxious.  It means that something is happening.  Someone is coming.  The Cleaning Nazi is stirring from its slumber, preparing to unleash its fury on to a poor little Meeg-Meeg.

Saturday, 21st of August, it did.

It was kind of expected, since that happened to be the day of my 18th birthday gathering at my house.  As you may have previously realised, I kinda/sorta/maybe/probably/DEFINATELY have a problem with people being in my house.  But I have to seem like a normal person every once in a while, so I usually do stuff around my birthday.

When there's large numbers of people coming to your house, you gotta feed 'em.  Hence the sudden need for fridge space.  Its full of food purchased to fill someone else's stomach, and none for the inhabitants of the house.  Unfortunately, I fall under the "inhabitant" category.

Other than the food, the gathering was a moderate success. Sort of.  I just kept repeating to myself "As long as the close friends turn up, it wasn't a complete waste of time".  Well, most of the close friends turned up.  But that wasn't enough.  I feel a bit let down, and also a bit selfish for being let down.  It led to me being pretty miserable and tired all night.  The mood lifted slightly when stuff started catching on fire.  Nothing serious though.

Since the "party" was a failure, I thought, "well, going into town should be fun".  Seeing as though people have been harassing me about how awesomely amazing it is and how they go out every weekend and I'm missing out in the greatest thing ever and they're so excited that I'll be able to go and oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god town boys drinking awesome awesome oh my god wasting money eighteen boys dance oh my god.  So, yeah.  I cop this pretty much every day for a few month, and now that it's here, what do I get?  No money don't feel like drinking it's overrated town sucks I thought you were more mature than that they spike you're drinks you're dressing like a prostitute waste of money don't you have anything better to do you're going to fail uni now blah blah blah blah.


I don't know what to think anymore.  So I think I'll just talk about something else that  doesn't make me so angry.  Like psychology... Wait.


I've been trying to revise for my mid-semester psych exam.  Its not working too well.  Week 1 and 2 was the same as week 1 and 2 from last semester, so one would think that I already know it.   I'd think that too.  But I just get the feeling that I haven't done enough, and I don't know anything about this subject that I've been doing for 6 months longer than most of my peers.  Week 3 and 4 is a new-ish topic, which was sort of covered in senior high school biology.  Once again, I don't know if I know enough to do an exam on it.

There's a website you can sign up to and do chapter reviews and quizzes and stuff.  It makes me angry.  Like everything in psychology, its all very vague and difficult to navigate and I'm pretty sure its some sort of trap.   Especially when it tells me stuff like "Sorry, that was correct".

Everything in psychology is a trap.  EVERYTHING.  In like week 2 of last semester, they presented us with a "fun" tutorial exercise about how a experiment is done.  Five weeks later: BAM.  You know that "fun" thing we did a million years ago?  No?  Well, that's good.  We need a 1500 word lab report on it.  You don't know what a lab report is?  Even better!  You can add that to your list of stuff to learn.

You know what else makes me angry? Y'know how I was all angry about the Father trying to read over my shoulder?  Now, the Mother is hanging around, pretending to do stuff to read over my shoulder and/or steal the computer.  She can't do that.  I'm stressed as hell, thanks to her.  She sees that I'm clearly doing something, and offers to take me out to buy whatever junk food I want.  I clearly can't take her up on her offer, because I have to study, and I can't neglect it to stuff my face with junk.  If I did, she'd make all sorts of comments on how big my thighs are.

She can fucking leave me alone or I'll punch something in the throat.  Funnily enough, the more she hovers, the closer her throat is to punching range.

 I want to go for a drive.  Meaning, I want to just sit in the back of a moving car for hours at a time, just listening to music.  Being in cars and eating are the only 2 things in life that make me feel better, since everything else in life is an utter disappointment. And I can't do either without being called a selfish money waster.  Oh well.

I'm getting this awful feeling inside me now.  Lately, I've been constantly hungry, even after I just ate.  I don't know why, but the feeling is constant.  Normally, I just eat out of boredom or some sort of emotional pain.  But now, its out of physical hunger pains.  My stomach has been making sounds louder than my normal speaking voice.  That's a bit worrying.

Right now, its not hunger.  It's just discomfort.  This, coupled with the stress of tomorrow's exams, the disappointment of the weekend, and a lifetime of expectations that I can't live up to, makes me pretty damn unhappy right now. 

Out of curiosity, I just did a word count.  Nearly 1000 words.  Why can't I do this for assignments?  Just sit down and type and type and produce something that will get me through to the next semester, like this will hopefully get me through the night.

That's the worst part of these moods.  I know that all I need to do is get through the night.  But it always feels like I'll never make it.  The only person I want to talk to right now isn't available for talking, and they don't give a damn anyway.

I think I should just stop now and go back to raging at Darwin's theory of Giving Undergrads Unnecessary Amounts of Study.

First attempt at a blog.

Rather than do my uni assignment, I have instead decided to create a blog.  I'm willing to bet any amount of money that the password is forgotten in a week.  In fact, I may have forgotten it already.

With impeccable timing,  my father looks over his shoulder and asks "What the fuck is a dynamic bicycle?"  Good question.  A dynamic bicycle is the result of a random word generator being abused by a bored blog-creator.

Trivia time:
1.  The blog creator is a student of psychology at a terrible university.

2.  People assume that psychology students know a lot more than they actually do.  I am constantly hearing "Come on, psychologist!"  No, fuck off.  I'm not shouldering the responsibility of a psychologist until I've at least graduated.  I haven't even finished my first year.

3.  My psych tutor is a fool.  Don't try to teach people something you don't know yourself.  Especially if your students have enough knowledge on the topic to correct you.

4.  Psychology brings out my inner rage.  Probably not the best career choice.

5.  Psychology makes me hungry.  Damn classical conditioning.  I've learned to associate psychology lectures with dinner because of last semester's timetable.  Now I'm screwed.

6.  My original career choice in grade 3 was to be a solicitor.  I clearly had no idea what it was.  Come to think of it, I still don't.

7.  Next choice,  marine biologist.  I had no idea what that was either.  Lucky I didn't stick to it, because I am now terrified of the ocean.

8.  When I realised how boring marine biology is, I turned my aspirations to writing.  I still intend to do it one day... Maybe tomorrow.

9.  My father is still harassing me about what a dynamic bicycle is.  I settled for "a website".

10. My train of thought has been obliterated.  I didn't know where it was going anyway.

11.  People keep inviting me over their houses.  They don't get it.  If I have a choice of being at my house or yours, obviously I choose mine. That's why I live there, and not with you.  "But that's socialising for you!"  You may say.  No, just no.

12.  I don't come to your house, so please don't come to mine.  I don't care how much time we spend together outside of our homes, you can't come in.  It may seem rude,  but if you saw the amount of cleaning my family has to do before visitors come, you would tell your favourite people in the world to fuck off too.

13.  My mother turns into the cleaning Nazi if visitors come.  Every room of the house is immaculate,  the dog's hump rag has to be shaken out, the fucking ceiling has to be dusted and wiped with a damp cloth.  I'm not even kidding.  Even if someone is just using our toilet before they go on their merry way.  This is why I rage so hard when I see people with messy houses.  Did the cleaning Nazi attack you?  No?  Well, maybe they should, and it will give me a break for once.

14.  Do blogs have a word limit?  I'm tempted to see how long I can go for.

15.  I'm all pissed off now.  Now I'm rage-eating.  Actually, if rage makes me hungry,  that might explain why psychology makes me hungry.

16.  I kind of have rage issues.  Notice, I'm not "annoyed" or "angry"... Its rage.  Pure, uncensored, 100% rage.  Its probably quite entertaining, unless you're on the receiving end.

17.  My rage-food is making me feel better.  Seeing my father in the corner of my eye, isn't.  This entire night has just been an epic battle between my parents and I.  Starting with me announcing that I was staying home tonight.  One of them said "don't you use your reverse pychology on us!"  And it was ON.  Claws came out, and it somehow ended up as yet another screaming match about a certain friend of mine who I was apparently sneaking out to meet.  Right,  that's precisely why I told you I was staying home.  So I could make sneaking out more difficult for myself.  Maternal-Unit went to a movie, and called Paternal-Unit later to subtly check that I was still home.  To her horror, I answered the phone.

18.  I'm 18 in a week.  Which is awesome.  I've heard so many conflicting views about being 18, and I don't know what to think anymore.  Some people are all "OMG BEST THING EVER"  and other people are like  "Its awful, I hate it".

19.  Maternal-Unit is home.  Time to end this before she asks what a dynamic bicycle is.