What is love?

Ok, I just had to do that. Serious blog time.

Some things have happened in the last few weeks that have made me question my beliefs and values and all that other crap about love.

When do you know you love someone?
How do you know that wont change?

While I'm usually pretty open minded towards a lot of stuff, one thing I don't agree with is divorce. I understand that people end up not loving each other as eternally as they originally thought. But to me, marriage is between two people (male and female, male and male, female and female, or any combination, as long as its 2 humans) who see each other as soul mates. I don't think that there is only one person out there for everyone, but I believe that if you go into a contract like marriage, it should be for life. If you don't think you can do that, don't get married.

I understand that everyone thinks differently, so don't get upset about what I'm saying. I just think that people rush into a serious commitment like marriage way too soon.

When I talk to other friends about their thoughts on this kind of stuff, they've told me they'll only date people they could consider marrying. I find that thought horrific. I'd spend so much time looking for "the one", if I found him and he left me, I'd be absolutely destroyed. If I considered him to be marriage potential, I couldn't see how I could ever move on with life, because I'd be without my soul mate.

This is why I don't date people based on marriage-ability. In fact, I don't really date at all. But my now-temporarily-indefinitely-ex-boyfriend (long story, I'll get to it later) is not the kind of person I'd want to marry. Not that I don't care about him, I just don't think I could make a serious commitment to him. The last 10 months haven't been preparation for the "next step", its just been two teenagers having fun while we're still young. I mean, in 5 years or so, (if everything goes to plan) I'll be a white-collar professional, who really shouldn't be casually "dating" everything with a heartbeat.

I couldn't waste my youth on finding a soul mate. I've already missed on on the whole high school dating thing, so I'm trying to have fun while I'm still a student of some sort.

To go off in a bit of a tangent, its kind of the same with drinking/nightclubbing. I'm doing it now, while I'm young and my breasts are somewhat gravity-defiant. I'm not going to wait until I look like a sea-hag. I'll do it while I'm young (but still old enough to be legal) and not just when you deem it "appropriate". Once again, don't take this personally if it sounds like something you might say. Just my beliefs.

This leads to something else: Everyone's varying beliefs on the idea of sex. What makes someone a slut? These days, its thrown around to everyone, including virgins. Its the basic, go-to insult. Of course, its never to someone's face, if its meant as a serious insult. Or, its subtly implied. Or not so subtly. But never outright. But what makes a person a slut? Sleeping with many people only once? Sleeping with one person many times? Who knows?

Anyway. Back to my current situation. There's not really that much to say about it. I went to the house he's currently living in. He and his friend (who lives there) were acting really weird. They started talking about what they were going to do after I left, and I just thought, well I might as well leave now if you have more important things to do. They both started going "No! I don't want you to leave, you can stay if you want!" etc etc etc. Didn't sound convincing at all, so I go home, annoyed about having my time wasted. I get a text message later, with him saying we should "take a break" because he isn't a good boyfriend to me. WTF does that even mean? Don't I have a say in his boyfriend skills? Haven't I already told him he's a pretty terrible boyfriend compared to other people's, but it works for me because I can't have a "full-time" boyfriend?

Its not the first time it's happened. The first time, his family was harassing me over facebook, so we took a break. I took this to mean that it was over completely. I was pretty cut up, but I got over it after 2 months, which was about 2 weeks before my 18th birthday. Then I get a phone call out of the blue from him, asking me to go out with him again. It confused me immensely.

It's been another 2 months since he started talking to me again. I thought it was all going fairly smoothly, and then this happens. I could understand if I was actually angry at him about the other night, but I wasn't. Confused, but not angry. So now we're on another "break". I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait, or if I should wait at all. Last time I waited and waited, then as soon as I finally decided I was no longer wanted, and that I was ready to move on, he calls again. The current situation is so bizarre that I just don't know what to think.

I know my obvious option is to forget about him and move on. But I don't have the patience for someone new. And if I stay single, I'll stay all upset about him.

Another option is to wait for him. But the thought of waiting for someone makes me think "What happens if I don't want to wait? Why does he think I'll come running back to him?" All these unfounded defiant thoughts are strange, considering how I'm quite upset about it all.

I think I'm going to continue on with my life, and see if he can get his life back together. If so, we may get back together again. Or maybe we wont. Depends on how long he expects me to wait. Depends what happens in the next few months. Oh well. No biggie.